Helping Someone Who Has Been Sexually Assaulted
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Hours: Mon 8:30-5, Tues 8:30-7, Wed 8:30-5, Th 8:30-5, Fri 8:30-5
If someone shares with you they have been sexually assaulted, it is likely one of the hardest things they have ever had to say. It may take weeks, months or even years to feel ready to share.
Most people have little experience helping someone through a traumatic event such as a sexual assault, so it is normal to be unsure of what to do. What is most important is that you care enough to want to help.
Sexual violence affects not only the survivor of the violence, but also those close to them such as friends, partners and family members. If someone you know has been sexually assaulted, you may experience some of the same emotions as the victim. Your love, support and understanding is what your friend needs.
Below is a list of supportive tips you can use to support a friend or loved one who has been sexually assaulted.
1. Express care and concern.
Let them know right away you believe them, care and want to help. Four of the most important messages that sexual assault survivors most need to hear from you are actually very simple:
- I believe you.
- The assault was not your fault.
- Help is available.
- You are not alone.
Listen to your friend without judging them. Remember to reassure them and validate their feelings. Tell them you believe them and reinforce that they are not to blame for what happened.
2. Believe them.
Believe their experience without question. Make it clear to the survivor you believe the sexual assault happened and it is not their fault. Only 2-10% of reports are false reports. It is very common for the victim of a sexual assault to blame themself. Whatever the circumstances, they were not looking for or asking to be assaulted.
3. Listen to them.
Let the survivor tell you how they feel. Do not ask about the particular details of the assault as they might not feel ready to share. Do not take it personally if they do not want to talk to you or to anyone right now. Part of being a good listener is letting them know you will be ready to listen if and when they are ready to talk. When they are ready to talk, let them talk, do not interrupt. You may feel nervous about stalls and silence , silence is okay and offer space for them to process. It takes courage to talk about a sexual assault with other people. Allow the survivor to cry, scream, and express themselves however they need to in that moment.
4. Stay with them.
A sexual assault can be isolating in addition to being traumatizing. Stay with them as long as they want you to. If you are physically unable to be together, consider communicating through phone or video calls to provide virtual company. For a while, many victims feel too frightened and vulnerable to endure being alone. This will pass with time. Meanwhile, be good company.
5. Let them know they do not have to go through this alone.
There are a variety of different resources for survivors of sexual asssault. You aren’t expected to be an expert on sexual assault resources, there are advocates whose entire job is to know these resources. Hotlines or helplines are great, confidential, spaces for survivors to seek additional help..
National Sexual Assault Hotline
1-800-656-4673 (HOPE)
The Arizona Sexual and Domestic Violence Helpline
Available Monday – Friday, 8:30a – 5:00p, Tuesdays 8:30a – 7:00p
Phone: (602) 279-2980 | (800) 782-6400 | Arizona Relay Service 7-1-1
SMS Text: (520) 720-3383
Email: helpline@acesdv.org
6. Ask about their physical needs.
A person who has been sexually assaulted may not realize that they have sustained serious injuries (internal and/or external). If they feel safe, they may want to seek medical care. If they wish to have a Medical Forensic Exam, know this is time sensitive- they have 120 hours from the assault. This is an exam done by a Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner (SANE) who are trained to collect, preserve and document physical evidence of the assault.
Understand that while you may be concerned for their physical health, survivors should never be forced to seek medical care or to get a Medical Forensic Exam. Ask them if they want to seek out medical care and how you can provide support. Ultimately they get to decide if they want any medical care or exams. Learn more about Medical Exam process, rights, and locations in your area.
7. They decide what they want to do.
All control has been taken away from the survivor during the assault. Help the survivor to empower themselves to make decisions about what steps to take next. However, it is important that you do not tell them what to do. For example, they will decide if they want to notify the police, contact a sexual assault crisis center or connect with a Family Advocacy Center or other services in their area. You may handle the situation differently if you were them, but you are not them right now so they get to decide what feels right to them, even if you disagree.
8. Maintain confidentiality.
It is essential to respect their confidentiality. Let them decide who knows about the sexual assault. Ask them what information, if any, is okay for you to share with others. Ask how to manage questions and concerns from others. Their control and choice was stolen during the assault, respecting their wishes on who they tell is empowering for the survivor and essential in keeping their trust.
9. Take care of yourself and recognize your own limitations.
In order to care about your friend, you may need to cope with some difficult emotions of your own. If someone you know is assaulted, you may feel upset and overwhelmed. Recognize that hearing about a sexual assault can be difficult and you are going to have your own feelings about what has happened to your loved one. Some of your feelings, like sadness and anger, may be similar to your friend’s. It is normal and okay for you to experience your own reactions. You may even feel confused or unsure about how to best support them. This is normal, and not a failure on your part. There is a reason we have trained professionals to work with survivors – it can be very difficult to listen to trauma.
10. Be patient and understanding.
The trauma of a sexual assault does not go away quickly. It may take a while for your loved one to recover. Sometimes partners, friends, and/or family members may expect sexual assault victims to “get over it” in a few weeks. Understand the pain the survivor feels, and the symptoms, may last for a long time. The path to healing and recovery is unique for everyone, there is no one way or right way to heal from trauma.
Resources:
Newfoundland Labrador Canada Violence Prevention Initiative and Minnesota Coalition Center Against Sexual Assault
https://www.gov.nl.ca/vpi/tips-and-tools/tips-to-help-a-friend-who-has-been-sexually-assaulted/
