How do I help someone who has caused harm?

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It can be extremely difficult to find out if someone you know and care for is or has harmed their partner, family member, or other individual. You could experience many emotions ranging from anger and confusion, to concern. You might also find that you want to help, but where do you start?
Arizona Coalition Support focus

Safety First

Your safety is especially important and should be a priority as you decide how to approach the situation. If you also know the victim/survivor, consider asking them for suggestions on how to approach the person causing harm, safely.

Consider talking to the individual causing harm in a public space and become familiar with your surroundings.

Let a trusted friend or family member know where you will be.

Stop the discussion and get to safety if you feel the situation is no longer safe.

Use Person-First Language

Language is powerful in how we see or speak about the world, including people. Taking a person-first approach means recognizing there is a human being behind the actions and conditions. We focus on the person, not a characteristic to describe them. Even though it may be difficult to not have negative emotions toward the person causing harm, it is helpful to engage them in a respectful manner by using language that allows space for conversation and accountability. 

For example, instead of:  “Perpetrator/Abuser/Rapist/Batterer/Harasser” use “person causing harm” or “harm-doer”

Arizona Coalition Support focus
Arizona Coalition Support focus

Talk Behaviors, Not the Person

Beginning any conversation about the harm occurring with “You”, may result in the person causing harm becoming defensive, minimizing the behaviors, or walking away from the conversation. This is why it is important to focus on the actions causing concern and how situations could be handled in a healthy manner.

For example:

Instead of saying, “I don’t like how you treat your partner,” you can say “I am concerned about the healthiness of the relationship you have with your partner”.

“I saw how you yelled at them.” You can say, “I noticed there might be issues with how things are being communicated.”

Recognize Accountability

The person causing harm is the one responsible for their actions. They are the ones responsible for making a commitment to address harmful behaviors and actions and keep them from happening in their relationships or with other individuals. Keep in mind, the person causing harm can deflect blame or tell a side of the story that is incomplete. You can help by keeping the focus on the behaviors and actions while maintaining a respectful tone and approach.
Arizona Coalition Support focus
Arizona Coalition Support focus

Be Patient

Accountability and change are both lifelong processes. You may not see changes happening rapidly. It is okay. Addressing behaviors, feelings, reactions, and actions should be a slow and thoughtful process. You are not responsible for the ongoing work and should not feel that you failed. You did help and did the best you could with the information you have.

Justice Looks Different for All

It is also helpful to understand that justice can look different for those affected by a harm-doer. Not all justice is tied to the legal-criminal justice system. If those affected wish to pursue alternative means to find justice, be non-judgmental and provide support where you can. For more information about restorative justice click here.
Domestic Violence can target anyone
Arizona Coalition Support focus

Offer Information

Remember that a survivor knows their situation best. It’s important to talk with them about how to access resources for identifying safety plans. You may have ideas about what they should do but it’s important that you allow them to make their own choices.

Resources